


Miserable at Best

by SecretlyThranduil



Series: Tumblr Prompts and Asks [9]
Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:54:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27180715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SecretlyThranduil/pseuds/SecretlyThranduil
Summary: Tumblr prompt for 8Lottie8!'The bed is cold without you' for RussingonIn true SecretlyThranduil style, this is angst, and then I make it better.
Relationships: Fingon | Findekáno/Maedhros | Maitimo
Series: Tumblr Prompts and Asks [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1817521
Comments: 11
Kudos: 25





	Miserable at Best

**Author's Note:**

  * For [8Lottie8](https://archiveofourown.org/users/8Lottie8/gifts).



This bed is cold without you.

So cold.

Colder than anything I have ever known. Colder than the Helcaraxë, colder than the Halls.

Or at least, this cold is far more bitter. The kind of cold that gnaws at your bones, hollowing you out, leaving you nothing more than a shell of what you were before.

Numb.

That is what I am without you. Empty. There is very little left of me, and with you gone, I do not think I can ever feel whole again.

And they told me you will never be coming back. Your brothers may, but not you.

I won’t ever see you again.

I saw you once in the Halls you know, just briefly, after you died. I could not bring myself to talk to you, and I hope you can forgive me for that. I thought I blamed you for what happened at the Nirnaeth, for not being there. For not coming for me. Again.

They had said your Union had the potential to save us all, and I believed in it, because I had always believed in _you_. I blamed you for what happened to me, but it was my own fault. My pride got me killed, not you. Like my father, like your father, the pride of the Ñoldor was my downfall. I thought I stood a chance, but I did not.

That was my hubris, and it was not your fault. I wish I had told you that when I had the chance, before Námo’s maiar took you away. I know you, and I know you would have tormented yourself over not being there, for being unable to save me, as I saved you.

They told me you saw what happened to me, that you dreamed about my death right up until your own. One of your generals told me that you were never the same afterwards, that you became someone unrecognisable even to your brothers.

And so, I blame myself for what you became. I know that is foolish. The Oath destroyed you, turned you into a shell of who you used to be, in the same way that I am now a shell of who _I_ used to be. I know that when you died, there was nothing left of the one I knew and loved so dearly. I tell myself that perhaps I could have stopped you becoming that shade of yourself, could have prevented you committing the atrocities you did. But I know I could not. In a way, I am glad that I was not there to see it. It is selfish, but I do not think I could take it.

Not that this grief is any better.

But looking back, it is clear to me now.

Nothing could have saved me, and nothing could have saved you.

After the Darkening, you promised to always be there for me, but you could not be. No matter how hard you tried, every time you wanted to come after me, you were prevented in the most unbearable ways.

Losgar.

The Nirnaeth.

The Halls.

You could never come after me, no matter how much you wanted to.

This seems to be the way of our two families. One to suffer the cold for eternity, and one to burn. Spirits of ice and fire.

You will burn for eternity, and I must live without you in this bitter cold.

But I am alive, and you will never be again.

I can live without you, my Russandol, but without you I’ll be miserable at best.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I knew that as long as you were gone, I would never feel whole again, and that turned out to be true. With you dead, a part of me was missing.

But now you are here, and I am whole.

This bed is no longer cold.

Námo was merciful, and he gave you back to me.

Millennia after we had died, centuries after your brothers had been returned. They had told me that you would never be returned, and I assumed that was to be in punishment. But it was not so. There had been so little left of you after your death that even Námo assumed that if your fëa could be prevented from falling into the void, you could not entirely be saved.

But you surprised them all Maedhros. You held on, you healed.

You came back to me.

And I will never let you go again. Not even the Dagor Dagorath will make me let go of your hand.

Fate be damned, you will never be prevented from coming for me again, and I will always come after you.

Always.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Miserable at Best by Mayday Parade, because I am still a 14 year old emo kid at heart


End file.
